LOOKING EYE TO EYE
There is a lot of emphasis on eye contact during interactions with people. But the advice given is often mechanical with an instruction booklet.
The importance of eye contact is evident when you are with somebody who is wearing sunglasses. It feels awkward and uncomfortable when you can not see their eyes.
The eyes are an instinctive focal point. And we can usually define a person's character by their eyes. For example when you look at a killers photograph (Mira Hindley and Ian Brady- prime examples) you get the feeling of "evilness" just by their eyes.
Not only is eye contact important, but also NOT giving eye contact. Somebody can not give you eye contact because of negative emotions like sadness, boredom or depression. It can also be a sign of shame or guilt. So either way you slice it- the eyes convey a lot, whether you give it or whether you do not.
And women go on eyes and eye contact for attractiveness in a man. I've never asked a girl how they judge a guy by his eyes, but apparently they do. Maybe it could be a result of the eye contact a guy gives? Like when he looks into her eyes, he's making her feel weak and vulnerable, depending on his hidden intentions anyway.
In any case, we know eyes are important and we need to be able to look at them. In the same respect, people need to see OUR eyes so they feel they can trust you and see you in your entirety.
EYE CONTACT TEST
Try this …
Walk out along the street and hold eye contact with people as you go about your day. People will be walking past and have their heads down, but try it.
Uncomfortable? Feel a pressure to look away?
Now try it wearing sunglasses.
How much easier is trying to get eye contact when you are behind sunglasses? Does it feel a bit more comfortable?
The sunglasses are like a mask. It's a hell of a lot easier to try looking people in the eye because you know they can not do the same to you. If you want a spiritually sexual innuendo, they can not penetrate your soul.
It's amazing how just the simple act of covering your eyes can allow you to feel a bit more powerful and confident.
So what does this tell you?
Eye contact is easy when we feel we are hidden from view. But why would we hide? Or why would we divert our eyes from sustained eye contact?
Simple- because we feel vulnerable and unconfident. We feel people can know everything about us. On the other hand they are a means to avoid being challenging. When somebody gets into a rage and they want to attack, they often give no eye contact before they lash out. They do not want to give away any signals.
So ask yourself what you are communicating when you avoid contact.
1) You are vulnerable and low in status.
2) You feel inferior to the other person so you do not want to appear challenging or draw attention.
3) Both of the above suggest little or no confidence.
EYE CONTACT TO INITIATE
Another point is the fear initiating something. A beautiful girl has just walked into the room. Now you can look at her for hours if you wanted to. That is- until she stops in conversation and looks your way.
You know that if you held eye contact you would have to go and do something. You would have to initiate. And on top of that, you feel vulnerable that you have put your interest out there. She knows you find her stunning to admire, but the thought of actually having a conversation with this fear gets you nervous. Once again, it comes down to feeling inferior and not wanting to initiate anything.
I try to avoid any eye contact, cuz if I do that then it opens the door for conversation like I want that – Eminem
I KNOW I'M VULNERABLE, NOW WHAT ?
Okay, so it is not a mechanical process. It is done automatically, in the same way that diverting your eyes is automatic. It all stems from how you feel about yourself, because that is what you unconsciously communicate.
If you did not feel inferior with the gorgeous girl across from you, you would gladly welcome her eyes coming in your direction. You would see that as a green light to initiate.
When you feel firm about a decision and you feel strongly about it, then you would not care about giving looking somebody in the eye if they disagree with you. You would not see it as a challenge to shy away from.
So the first obvious step for being comfortable with looking somebody in their eyes is to desensitise yourself to it. By that I mean do the walking down the street thing, and give eye contact to as many people as you can.
However, this is where your fear of 'what could happen next' might trigger off. You might think to yourself, "Shit. This could actually lead to a conversation. What do I do then ?!", and because of that you divert your eyes to avoid leading into it.
You've got to ask yourself where your discomfort comes from. Are you feeling vulnerable and unconfident about yourself? Or are you fearing the consequences- like conversation, initiating something, a guy squaring up to you etc?
There would be no point in going out and giving eye contact unless you feel confident and secure about what could happen next.
Remember, you use your eyes to communicate non-verbally. It is an act of subliminally initiating something with somebody else. And only the people who feel confident and powerful within themselves can naturally give it.